“I’m just not feeling a connection to these new Top Chef contestants, ya know?”
-Whine by Me
What? Not even Spike? Stephanie? Mark? Jennifer? C’mon, whitey! A better whine would be: “Ugh, I’m sick of all the product placement on Top Chef. I didn’t tune in for the RAV4s, I tuned in for the ravioli!”
Or, as the Amateur Gourmet puts it:
“For this Bravo TV Quick Fire Challenge you’ll use your Kenmore stoves in your Kenmore kitchens to turn this Kraft mayo into a tasty snack for Queer Eye’s Ted Allen whose new book, “The Food You Want To Eat,” is available at Borders Book Store in the Time Warner Center in Mike Bloomberg’s New York City. The losers will take a RAV4 to Chucky Cheese’s where Chef Anthony Bourdain awaits with Oscar Meyer Bologna which you must transform, using Kitchenaid mixers, Calphalon knives and Victoria’s Secret lingerie, into NASA approved astronaut ice cream. Ben and Jerry of Ben and Jerry’s will judge on Alvar Aalto chairs available at the MOMA store, also in Bloomberg’s New York City, where the winner will be flown by Delta to enjoy an Olive Garden dinner beneath the Panasonic sign. Who will be this week’s TOP CHEF (TM)?”
You evil tramp, you foul-mouthed beast, you soulless whore with an ice cube tray for a heart. Winter, you bitch. Hail? You bring me hail? Ice should not be falling from the sky today. This is spring’s turn. You had your shot and you took it, over and over again. Well, no more. Enough is enough. Your days are numbered, you hear me? I will come up there and smack your shit around like a flippin kitty cat playing with a ball of yarn. Except the yarn will be your face, your stupid face!